UPS AND DOWNS (on The scale of life)

 I have pretty much been trying to lose weight for most of my adult life.
 I have done Nutri System (back when you picked up your food once a week at your weigh-in) I hated the food, never attended a single meeting, but still managed to lose 27 lbs.But I got to a point where I had to stop. It became too exspensive and I found myself buying the food and tossing it in the dumpster out back (no lie). But I looked good. I am not ashamed to admit it. I looked DAMN good! People noticed,too.I went out and bought new clothes, including a bikini(the first I could buy without a struggle) and I enjoyed my newfound "skinnyness". I went to bars and clubs with friends and for once guys were checking ME out. ME! Whoohoo! It felt amazing. But alas, it didn't last. Eventually, I put some of the weight back on-not all-but some. So I went back tofinding something else.
There was Slimfast: I was still hungry an dended up eating AND drinking the shakes. (not a good idea)
There was my grand idea to eat one big meal everyday. I lost some, but not alot and really, that was just not healthy.
Then I had my hear broken: ooh, a good one for me because when I am depressed, I dont eat. I can't eat. So I lost a few pounds there. But once I moved on, I started eating and of course, I gained some weight.
Now I am not a tall girl, in fact I am really short: 5 feet on the nose. So you can imagine it's pretty hard to lose weight when every pound shows. I also happen to be a little ,well, "well endowed" on top. Have been all my life. Those "girls" pretty much stay the same size no matter what happens to my body. Now some women complain that when they diet, they lose weight in their breasts, but not me. And of course, having a big bust makes me look heavier. So the struggle went on.
There was Weight Watchers: probably one of the easiest to follow. Just count my points. And that one actually allowed me to eat REAL FOOD. yahoo! I lost over 35 lbs. Even after I stopped attending weigh-ins and just doing it at home. Once again Ilooked good. And once again I went and bought a new bikini. I must say I was happy with myself. I started getting noticed by the opposite sex again and began dating again. Then I met HIM. The man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. The one I have referred to on thismblog in the past as X.
 Now we all know how it goes, you are single and you do everything to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex. At least that was me. But after you are in a relationship for a while, you tend to get "comfortable" with your self. You start to let go a little. First, you let your partner see you in sweats and t shirts. "Hey, why not be comfortable? We're just hanging at home." Right? Then there's the makeup. Or lack thereof. "Hey, why should I put on makeup to sit and watch TV or a dvd? He has already seen me without it, right? " But sometimes, it doesn't stop there. Sometimes you get a little "too" comfortable. And you say "hey, I already have him, so I can stop obsessing about my weight. He's my boyfriend. H eloves me for who I am."and that's what happened. I didn't consider the fact that even though I fought like Hell to lose weight, I would so easily put it right back on. And I did. Not a lot.At first. But enough that I wasn't happy with my appearance. It also didn't help that X had a very high metabolish and could pretty much eat whatever he cared to and not gain a pound. I mean candy, ice cream, you name it. Now how can you diet when your partner is eating all kinds of fast food and goodies in front of you? And decides at 9 pm that Baskin Robbins would be a great idea?
Then came the break up. Well, remember earlier when I said when I am depressed I  can't eat? Well, I lost lbs, the week after X broke up with me. But guess what? Eventually I got over it. HA! Food was my freind once again. Only this time, I wasn't out looking for anyone else (I still was hurt and not looking for a new love) So I did,'t really care what I looked like. I began to stop worrying altogether because as I stated "I am not dating anyone, I am just going to enjoy being single. I can do what I want. When I want.Eat what I want. Nobody to answer to. Yup.Like George Michael once sang "FREE....DOOOM, FREE...DOOOM" But with that freedom of eating what I want came....  weight gain. And this time it was HUGE. I became HUGE. The heaviest ever. But I went on. I even accepted the fact I had to buy bigger clothing sizes. I just let myself go.
Then I finally got to the point where I looked at myself. REALLY looked at myself. And I didn't like what I saw. Probably turning 40 had something to do with it. Freedom was fun.(it still is, actually) but I want to have freedom AND look good. I mean, at some point I will want someone in my life. (Plus, I kinda miss the looks from cute strangers)
So, I am about to embark on something new. A new diet. And this time I am committed. I am not doing it for a man, or to find a man, or for anyone else but ME. And really that is the most important thing. I want to feel good about MYself. Now I know it's going to tough. It took me several years to pack on these pounds, it's going to take some time for it to come off. ButI am a fighter. When I truly want something, I go after it. And guess what? I already lost seven pounds. Yup. Seven. Yay,me! So hopefully, the next time I weigh myself I will have lost more. I am not giving up.  I have found the strength to do this and I have positive feelings. It took a lot to publicly admit I am very overweight.  But by admitting it, I OWN it. And that is the first step. I will keep posting. Now maybe nobody is reading this, but thats ok,too. Like I said ,I am doing it for me.But maybe somebody is reading. And maybe,just maybe,that someone is not happy about something in their life. Maybe it's their weight. Maybe it's something else.And maybe they will read this and I will inspire them to make the changes they need to. And I still have that second bikini. My goal is to get back into it. Not necessarily for anyone to see, but just to prove to myself I can. :0