Me Too.

Seeing the #MeToo hashtag go viral this weekend has prompted me to write this blog post. It isn't the first time I've considered writing about my assault, it isn't even the first time I've started writing it, but it is the first time I've actually published it.

 I have had 2 major instances which stand out for me. Both happened when I was under 18.

The first one happened when I was in my early teens. I was at a pool party with friends. It was later, after dark and most of the party attendants had left. I was sitting beside the pool and a few of the boys (boys I called friends) decided it would be fun to chase me around, trying to see my boobs.
This continued, with me fighting them off for a few minutes, until I was pushed to the ground, the boys groping and grabbing at me. There was a point where one of my breasts was pulled out. They put a towel over my head, so I "couldn't see who was touching me and  where". I cried, I pushed, and yelled "stop". They laughed and continued, until they no longer found any thrill to it.
I told my friend, who had been in the pool at the time. She yelled at the boys and we called my parents to come get us.
I told my parents what happened and it was reported to police. The detective in charge of my case treated me like a nuisance and as if I should just move on. After all, wasn't I flirting with the boys, earlier? Wasn't I maybe enjoying it even? I started to question and second guess myself and my own actions.
Then I ended up dropping the charges (my parents left the decision to me) because I was becoming to feel more and more ashamed and told that these were young boys, whose future I would be hurting (never mind MY future or what I had already endured).
 In the end, it didn't seem worth it anymore.

The 2nd event was more brutal. I was raped by a 25 year old when I was 17 at a friend's house. He first went after my friend, who poked him in the eye and left the room. Then he took his chance with me. I wasn't as lucky. He tried to force me to give him oral sex and when I refused, saying no many times, he pinned me down, did the job himself and ejaculated all over my face. I ran, crying to the bathroom. The next morning, I awoke to him inside me. Raping me, as I slept. I didn't report it. I was a minor, who had been drinking at a party, surrounded by others who heard my protests and did nothing. How would I possibly convince anyone that I was raped again my will? I wasn't even sure I wasn't somewhat to blame. At that time 'date rape' wasn't something that was widely talked about. So I stayed silent. That doesn't mean that I didn't think about it. The doesn't mean it didn't live in the back of my mind all my life. Years later, I was watching a TV movie about date rape. It was then I realized that what happened to me WAS wrong. It wasn't my fault. I was able to forgive myself for feeling ashamed. I was able to accept that I wasn't to blame. I spoke to counselors at Rinna (The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)  and talking helped. I made it a mission of mine to spread support and awareness to others. I spoke out. I healed. In some ways, I'm still healing. Everyday gets better.

#MeToo

RAINN - https://www.rainn.org/