30 Years of PMS : or as I like to call it "ENOUGH ALREADY!"

FIRST, A WARNING:
If you don't want to read about female reproduction issues, menstrual cycles, PMS, or sex, then I suggest you stop right here.

OK, So I guess the topic doesn't disgust you. Or you are staying for the sex part. Well, we'll get to that later.

I remember getting my very first period as if it happened yesterday. Very vividly. I had been well informed on what to expect. I had my mom to give me information, be it not much, but still it was given. I attended the mandatory school "girls only" meeting with our mothers and the school nurse (personally, I thought it was cool we got to hang out and eat popcorn while we watched a very outdated movie about "becoming a woman"), and most importantly, I had already read Judy Blume's book,  ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT'S ME, MARGARET. More than once.
But even with all the preparation, when the day came (actually, it was more of an early evening after dinner), I wasn't even sure it WAS my period. I was 11 years old and sitting on the toilet. I saw some brownish stuff on my panties. I sadly admit, I really thought I didn't up sufficiently after my last bathroom visit. Oh, come on! You KNOW what I am taking about - don't make me spell it out. So I didn't really give it much thought. In fact, after several hours of continuing to check every time I peed that night and wiping my ass till it was probably raw, I finally called my mother over to the bathroom for advice. Now we had a decent, but small home  (what they call a Cape Cod style) with one bathroom, centrally located in the middle of the house, bedrooms to the right, kitchen to the left, so not exactly very private. The bathroom, itself was so small, there was no room to really accommodate a other person, and I  could open the door from the toilet and yell out for my mom. At that time, her hearing was much better and she was also much more concerned when one of her 3 children called out for anything. These days, if I was on fire and called, if I was lucky enough for her to hear me, I would probably be met with a heavily sighed "what ?? But I move on.
My mother came over to the bathroom door and I quietly whispered : I have this brown stuff on my underwear. I keep wiping and wiping, but it doesn't go away" . I proceeded to show her my soiled panties, to which  her response was something to the effect of " oh, that's not poop! You probably are getting your PERIOD! I'll get you a pad". Now back then the maxi pads they sold were aptly named. They were HUGE! There was no thin pads, no wings. Just really thick pads that made you feel like you were wearing a mini mattress between your legs.Of course, there were tampons, but those were not for "beginners" and since my mother didn't use them herself, we didn't have any on hand anyway.
Now I have hear stories about girls getting their first period. Some families celebrate it. I have even heard of some mother's smacking their daughters.( I know-way to scar your kid for life!) In my house? There was a call to my grandmother who lived behind us. My mother made me get on the phone and tell her. Then she told my dad. That was it. No celebration, no smack (thank GOD). Just showing me where she kept the pads and life went on as normal. For everyone else, that is.
 At that time, none of my close friends had their period yet, at least to my knowledge)so I had nobody to talk to. Nobody in my school wanted to admit to being the first to get their period. I have no idea why, but that was the way it was.
After a few months it began. The dreaded cramps.It was pure agony. The only was I can describe it (and I still do to this day) is to say it must be what Lance Hendrickson's character felt right before that alien came bursting out of his stomach in Alien.
Of course, I explained my plight to my mother, who had no sympathy for me. She thought I was exaggerating. She thought I was a hypochondriac who just wanted an excuse to skip school.
Finally, at one point we made an appointment for the doctor. He said that yes, some young girls can experience severe cramps and he would prescribe something for the pain.
When my mom got the prescription filled, the pharmacist said. "Oh, how old is the person taking these?" My mother replied "they are for my 11 year old daughter. She has very bad menstrual cramps". The pharmacist said "these are a strong muscle relaxant". He warned I should be careful because these pills really were heavy duty stuff. They gave them to football players for sports injuries. I should only take one as directed, and only if I really needed it. Now I thought I was getting some really heavy duty drugs. I couldn't wait to try them out to see if they would help (and possibly give me a small high of some sort). I took these "strong muscle relaxants" for several years, even telling my friends (after we all had our periods and it was OK to discuss it now) what I was taking.  What were these miraculous pills that I am countless NFL pros took for our crippling pain? Get ready....ANAPROX (Naproxen Sodium). Now sold OTC as ALEVE. Yup, I was taking an NSAID pain reliever. I thought I was taking the equivalent of morphine. Ha. the joke was on me. The funny part is , they didn't really do anything for my cramps.In fact, they still don't.  I just kept getting them refilled because I thought it was cool that I was taking heavy drugs and my parents allowed it. The cramps went on. I missed a lot of school because of them. It went on all through high school. My mother confided that as a girl she too, had very bad cramps and it must be hereditary. (yeah, NOW she cared) She did tell me that after having children, her cramps were not as bad. Gee, something to look forward to.
As  got older, I was able to talk to other women I encountered who had similar problems. When I was 19, I was working at as store in the mall. One of my assistant managers who was in her early 20's said  to me one day as I complained about my agony ( Why don't you just go on the pill?" Well, nobody had ever offered up that idea before. I told her I didn't know it would help. She said she did and her cramps got so much better. So I decided that was what I would do. I actually didn't have a gynecologist yet. my parents were living in Florida, so I couldn't go to my mom's. I ended up calling Planned Parenthood because everyone said they were inexpensive and went by your income.I got my prescription and started my 22 year relationship with oral contraceptives. Now if nothing else, they did regulate my periods and make them lighter, but they only slightly decreased my cramping, to say nothing about the PMS I experienced. No pill was going to cure me of the bitchiness that came 1-2 week prior to my period each month. Not to forget the craving for large amounts of food. There was no satisfying my hunger. I would eat and hours later feel like I had fasted for days. Till this day, I still need my monthly Hershey bar with almonds one week a month. Or I might commit murder.
The years went by and the cramps kept on coming. There were no pregnancies, so I didn't get that "relief" my mother promised after having kids. I even was told by my gynecologist that my "body would change"as I got older and the cramps would subside. My twenties ended and I thought that maybe in my thirties, my body would change.I even decided to try going off the pill for a while. Just to see. No change.I ended up going back on them anyway because now they weren't just to stop cramps. I was single and didn't want to get pregnant by some guy I ended up sleeping with and  have a baby on my own. (see, I told you there would be mention of sex, I just didn't say how much).

So now we move forward to present day. I am 43 years old now. I have been dealing with this for over 30 years. I still have the cramps. I still feel every month like the alien is going to burst from my uterus and run across the room. The difference is this time, I take something stronger.
But really,what IS the deal with these cramps. I have realized that at this point in my life, I will probably not be giving birth to any children anytime soon,if at all.  So why do I have to suffer month after month. Cramps, food cravings, backaches, moodiness. I get it all. Am I am sick of it. Now don't get me wrong-I am not in an hurry for menopause and a whole new set of feminine problems, but really, don't you think it's about time the PMS ended? Shouldn't the suffering be saved for those woman who actually USE their reproductive organs? Sure my periods aren't very long, and the actual "period" itself doesn't last more than 3 or for days, but the PMS is unbearable still. I feel like I just get over it and it starts again.And now its worse because I SHOW signs of it. Dark circles under my eyes, bloating that makes my skin feel to tight., crankiness that makes me want to choke the nearest person.  It feels like it will never end.
Now excuse me, while I go find a Hershey's bar.